Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
- Robert Byrne
Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Odd (Wo)Man Out
I knew I should have declined the invitation...I knew it down to my very core...but I couldn't help myself. I'm so desperate for female companionship that I agreed to a "girls day out" to lunch and a movie with three moms. What the heck was I thinking?!??!
If I have to have one more conversation about the 4,237,612 things a pregnant woman can't eat, I'm going to scream. I was subjected to the "I need to hurry up and have another so I can spend my hubby's money on plastic surgery to get it all fixed" discussion, and the children's clothing store, and a million other things that left me, once again, feeling like the odd (wo)man out.
I'm tired. I'm tired of swimming upstream with my so-called friends. I'm tired of the endless discussions about pregnancy and parenting. I'm tired of being forgotten because all of the plans for social activities are made at play-group. I'm tired of hearing all about the burdens of being a parent - it was your choice, get over it! I'm tired of being looked at like I have two heads whenever I attempt to participate in the discussion. Because we all know, that despite my years of being subjected to this crap, I can't possibly have anything valid to contribute to the conversation since I don't have kids. Well, if I have nothing valid to contribute, why'd you invite me along???? Can't we, just once, talk about something else that's going on in the world?
Please, oh please, could someone throw me a life-preserver? I'm drowning in this childed world!
I know, I know, it's time to find some new friends. I want to...really I do. Let's put that on my to-do list and see how far I can get.
Until then, I think I'll be lying low for a while.
If I have to have one more conversation about the 4,237,612 things a pregnant woman can't eat, I'm going to scream. I was subjected to the "I need to hurry up and have another so I can spend my hubby's money on plastic surgery to get it all fixed" discussion, and the children's clothing store, and a million other things that left me, once again, feeling like the odd (wo)man out.
I'm tired. I'm tired of swimming upstream with my so-called friends. I'm tired of the endless discussions about pregnancy and parenting. I'm tired of being forgotten because all of the plans for social activities are made at play-group. I'm tired of hearing all about the burdens of being a parent - it was your choice, get over it! I'm tired of being looked at like I have two heads whenever I attempt to participate in the discussion. Because we all know, that despite my years of being subjected to this crap, I can't possibly have anything valid to contribute to the conversation since I don't have kids. Well, if I have nothing valid to contribute, why'd you invite me along???? Can't we, just once, talk about something else that's going on in the world?
Please, oh please, could someone throw me a life-preserver? I'm drowning in this childed world!
I know, I know, it's time to find some new friends. I want to...really I do. Let's put that on my to-do list and see how far I can get.
Until then, I think I'll be lying low for a while.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
One Is Not Enough?
Sometimes I'm just baffled. As a person who is childfree-by-choice, I've heard all the arguments for why I should change my mind and how much of a blessing children are, etc., etc. I get it, you disagree. Fine. Let's agree to disagree and call it a day. But why, oh why, must you turn on your own?????
I have a friend who is choosing to have one, just one, child. I applaud her decision. Apparently, it's almost as unpopular as having no kids at all.
We met for lunch last week and she'd mentioned several times that she and her husband have decided their son will be their one and only child. (For the record, he's almost four and is a doll anytime we get together, much unlike many of the other ankle-biters I have the luxury of spending time with - I don't know that I've met a more well-behaved child and I am continually impressed with his intelligence, manners, affection, and imagination.) It was clear that this was a pretty big issue for her at the moment, so I asked more about it. She shared with me several of the factors that have resulted in this decision, and it really boils down to doing what's best for their family. Good for them!
It would seem that she's been receiving a bit of pressure from her friends to have another. She, like me, doesn't mind the "will you...?" questions, but is irritated by the "when will you...?" questions, which clearly imply an expectation, and folks are asking when she'll have another. There's been attempts to convince her, guilt her, shame her...everything I've experienced, she's experiencing.
I just don't get it. This woman is one of you - she's birthed a child and is now identified as "[INSERT SON'S NAME HERE]'s Mom". Why is that not good enough??? Does having a second child make you twice the woman you once were??? Are you kidding me?
It's been interesting seeing this topic from her perspective. I had no idea that the breeding issue is laid out like a bulls-eye target, with concentric circles to exclude people in degrees. Once again, I'm saddened and disappointed.....
I have a friend who is choosing to have one, just one, child. I applaud her decision. Apparently, it's almost as unpopular as having no kids at all.
We met for lunch last week and she'd mentioned several times that she and her husband have decided their son will be their one and only child. (For the record, he's almost four and is a doll anytime we get together, much unlike many of the other ankle-biters I have the luxury of spending time with - I don't know that I've met a more well-behaved child and I am continually impressed with his intelligence, manners, affection, and imagination.) It was clear that this was a pretty big issue for her at the moment, so I asked more about it. She shared with me several of the factors that have resulted in this decision, and it really boils down to doing what's best for their family. Good for them!
It would seem that she's been receiving a bit of pressure from her friends to have another. She, like me, doesn't mind the "will you...?" questions, but is irritated by the "when will you...?" questions, which clearly imply an expectation, and folks are asking when she'll have another. There's been attempts to convince her, guilt her, shame her...everything I've experienced, she's experiencing.
I just don't get it. This woman is one of you - she's birthed a child and is now identified as "[INSERT SON'S NAME HERE]'s Mom". Why is that not good enough??? Does having a second child make you twice the woman you once were??? Are you kidding me?
It's been interesting seeing this topic from her perspective. I had no idea that the breeding issue is laid out like a bulls-eye target, with concentric circles to exclude people in degrees. Once again, I'm saddened and disappointed.....
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I Don't Want What Everyone Else Has
The 3,000 sq.ft. house in trendy CookieCutter Villiage, with 2.4 kids, a minivan....nope, no thanks.
As Thanksgiving approaches, I can't help but feel grateful for all of life's blessings that surround me. Lots of folks may disagree and say I'm missing out on a lot - but my my life feels complete to me, so either I'm living in blissful ignorance or I'm truly content with my life choices. I vote for contentedness.
When we moved here, we specifically stayed away from the "development" neighborhoods. What was sacrificed in square footage, is more than made up for by our little two acre patch of earth on a pond that we call home. It's not for everyone, I can see the appeal of those super-sized homes that are all shiny and new with their builder-incentive upgrades, but this just suits us.
Having children happens to not suit us. It's really not much different. We all have our own personal preferences that may or may not be the same as the person sitting next to us. There are an infinite number of differences we may have - religion we practice, music we listen to, movies we watch, books we read, cars we drive, clothes we wear, food we eat...the list goes on and on. I don't believe my choices are right for anyone other than me.
My experiences and choices make me distinctly different from anyone else in the world. If I were surrounded by a group of people who believed everything I believe and made the same exact decisions in life that I make I think I'd get bored. In a society where we are bombarded with messages telling us how we all need to have this handbag or those shoes or...or that heterosexual married lives are not complete without the inclusion of children...or...or...or...it can be difficult to accept those who fall outside the mold.
The fact is, some people are meant to be parents and some are not. And, I personally don't believe that parenthood is reserved only for married heterosexual couples. Anyone who has the calling in their heart to raise a child should be able to do so. If more kids came out of loving homes where they were truly wanted, maybe we'd have a few less hurt people walking around in the world.
So, I celebrate your blessings - no matter how different they might be from my own - as I give thanks for the blessings in my life.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
A Purple Letter Day: The Post That Started It All
Here is the inspiration for starting this blog. The following post was created for my personal blog on November 15, 2007:
There's a topic that, until today, I have actively avoided among my blog posts, primarily out of fear of offending those who visit here and potentially losing friends due to a difference in life choices. It's a Purple Letter Day for me...here goes: I am childfree by choice in a child-friendly world.
I thank Purple Women & Friends for providing me with the nudge I needed to just go ahead and get it out there, and for reminding me that I am not alone in this world. Today, November 15, 2007, marks a blogging event for the Purple Women Count Campaign to help bring awareness and understanding to the everyday reality of what it means to be among the 42% of women aged 15-44 in the United States who do not have children, according to the 2000 U.S. Census.
I generally don't mind answering the inevitable questions when the subject of children comes up in conversation. It happens often and I've come to accept the reality rather than let it upset me. I figure the more open and honest I am, the easier it will be for the next childfree individual my conversation partner encounters. Still, the fact that it is so controversial saddens me and the boldness with which people demand explanations/justifications is rather overwhelming.
As childfree women (a.k.a. Purple WomenTM), we are often marginalized, scrutinized, excluded, interrogated, and misunderstood. Many of the women from which I hear say they are made to feel like "freaks of nature". As it happens, just over a year ago I actually was called a "freak of nature" by one of the more narrow-minded individuals with whom I've crossed paths. The justification for such a hateful label that followed claimed (and I'm paraphrasing) that real women have an innate desire to have children of their own, a fact proven by human history and evolution. It was probably one of the more hurtful experiences I've had, primarily because this wasn't a stranger on the street, but the significant other of someone I considered one of my closest friends. Since then, I've become more outspoken and open about the validity of our choice (i.e., the choice my husband and I have made together) - I happen to find it interesting that this person attributed our childfree status to me as an individual rather than to my marital partnership.
I think what really upsets me about all of this is that the relegation of women to the woman-as-mother role limits an intelligent, passionate, resourceful, diverse segment of the world population to walking uteruses. A person is much, much more than her/his reproductive organs. Being childfree by choice, or by circumstance, does not make us any less feminine. We are not defective. We are just not all meant to follow the same path.
I can provide a laundry list of reasons to support my decision. Note that I do not qualify these as reasons why. Why is a much more complicated question at it's very core. I'd sometimes like to respond by asking, "Well, why do you have children?". I usually don't though, because the answer is usually something vague or clearly not thought out (e.g., "Because that's what you do when you get married."), and to question the societal norm tends to easily offend. See, those with children are never really asked to justify their choice, despite the fact that it involves at least one new human life, while the rest of us are continually prodded to provide some sort of explanation for a choice that impacts no one other than ourselves. Anyone can have a kid, pretty much without question or reason. Our (the childfree collective) reasons for not having children are as personal and varied as the reasons others do have children. For me, I think it comes down to simply not having that calling in my heart to procreate. Factors supporting this decision include: a basic uncertainty about my ability to raise a productive member of society (it is, after all, a whole human life for which you are assuming responsibility - the enormity of that has not escaped me), a fear of passing along familial dysfunction, geographical distance from any of my friends and family members who would likely provide a support network, a belief that maybe I can better serve the greater good by supporting the forgotten children already in this world who will otherwise never know a "home", a belief that I don't have to give birth to a child to have children in my life, a genuine concern about the world we are creating for future generations...the list goes on and on. My personal decision really is one that I reached after careful consideration, and I feel it's a very responsible choice. I am fortunate enough to have a beloved husband who not only accepts my choice, but who also seems to feel even more strongly about remaining childfree than I do!
It seems that many people who ask are further confused by the fact that I truly enjoy children. I believe strongly not everyone who can have children should. Heck, have you seen some of the parents out there?!?!?! Being good with kids for an hour...a day...a week... doesn't necessarily mean that I'd make a good parent. I happen to love spending time with other people's children, and I happen to love sending them home again. Generally speaking, as much as I enjoy the time I spend, it usually serves to reinforce my decision that I'm just not meant to be a mom. I love 'em, but they exhaust me! And I really do mean that in the best possible way. I applaud parents for taking on that responsibility, or at least those who take on the responsibility with dedication, involvement, and accountability. It's a tough job, and one that I do not envy.
Some would call me selfish. I take issue with that as I often find the reasons people do have children to be far more selfish than those I've listed above. I would argue that my reasons for not procreating are quite the opposite and in the best interest of any hypothetical child.
I still struggle with this decision, as much as I know it's the right decision for us. Sometimes I think life would be easier socially if we just had a kid. Honestly. It's like I'm contagious...friends seem to magically disappear when they find out I've made a conscious choice to not have children. I see the sometimes-not-so-fleeting looks of disapproval and judgment. Especially in our particular community/region. Most of the women I know are friends through church (to which we are almost never invited), MOPS, Mommy and Me, play groups, etc. The very terminology moms often use to describe their social gatherings is exclusive of the childfree: play dates. This would seem to indicate that anyone without a child to add to the group is not socially acceptable or valued.
There has been one notable exception that I feel I must mention. A few weeks ago I was invited to join a play group, obviously not as a mom, but as a woman who could desperately use some time away from my home (I work out of my home and, therefore, often feel trapped here) and an opportunity to bond with other women. The woman who made the offer is one of the kindest individuals I've met in a long time and her offer still brings tears to my eyes, even more touching is the fact that I barely know her and yet she saw in me something that most others overlook. I cannot find the word to express just how much it meant to me. Especially when most of my suggestions to get together for lunch or just to chat or offers to lend a hand in some way are ignored by my childed friends while I hear them talk of doing these very things together or for each other.
Finally, my decision is not a reflection of anyone's choice to have children. Don't take it so personally! It's not meant to be some societal statement...well, I guess maybe it is...but it's not meant to be a statement in opposition to another's views. YOU are not a factor here, most of the people in my everyday life today weren't even around when we arrived at this choice. It's an intimately personal decision that I choose to share when you boldly inquire about my reproductive status.
So, please don't ask me who will care for me when I'm older or why I would deny my mother a grandchild or who will carry on our families' traditions or to whom will I leave my treasured possessions. In the grand scheme of things, those strike me as very selfish and superficial reasons to bring another life in to this world. However, do ask me about my decision to remain childfree if you have a genuine interest...just be respectful and be willing to actually listen when I am willing to share such personal information with you, and maybe, just maybe, be ready to answer when I "turn the tables" and ask about how you arrived at your own decision.
Blog on, Purple WomenTM, blog on!
There's a topic that, until today, I have actively avoided among my blog posts, primarily out of fear of offending those who visit here and potentially losing friends due to a difference in life choices. It's a Purple Letter Day for me...here goes: I am childfree by choice in a child-friendly world.
I thank Purple Women & Friends for providing me with the nudge I needed to just go ahead and get it out there, and for reminding me that I am not alone in this world. Today, November 15, 2007, marks a blogging event for the Purple Women Count Campaign to help bring awareness and understanding to the everyday reality of what it means to be among the 42% of women aged 15-44 in the United States who do not have children, according to the 2000 U.S. Census.
I generally don't mind answering the inevitable questions when the subject of children comes up in conversation. It happens often and I've come to accept the reality rather than let it upset me. I figure the more open and honest I am, the easier it will be for the next childfree individual my conversation partner encounters. Still, the fact that it is so controversial saddens me and the boldness with which people demand explanations/justifications is rather overwhelming.
As childfree women (a.k.a. Purple WomenTM), we are often marginalized, scrutinized, excluded, interrogated, and misunderstood. Many of the women from which I hear say they are made to feel like "freaks of nature". As it happens, just over a year ago I actually was called a "freak of nature" by one of the more narrow-minded individuals with whom I've crossed paths. The justification for such a hateful label that followed claimed (and I'm paraphrasing) that real women have an innate desire to have children of their own, a fact proven by human history and evolution. It was probably one of the more hurtful experiences I've had, primarily because this wasn't a stranger on the street, but the significant other of someone I considered one of my closest friends. Since then, I've become more outspoken and open about the validity of our choice (i.e., the choice my husband and I have made together) - I happen to find it interesting that this person attributed our childfree status to me as an individual rather than to my marital partnership.
I think what really upsets me about all of this is that the relegation of women to the woman-as-mother role limits an intelligent, passionate, resourceful, diverse segment of the world population to walking uteruses. A person is much, much more than her/his reproductive organs. Being childfree by choice, or by circumstance, does not make us any less feminine. We are not defective. We are just not all meant to follow the same path.
I can provide a laundry list of reasons to support my decision. Note that I do not qualify these as reasons why. Why is a much more complicated question at it's very core. I'd sometimes like to respond by asking, "Well, why do you have children?". I usually don't though, because the answer is usually something vague or clearly not thought out (e.g., "Because that's what you do when you get married."), and to question the societal norm tends to easily offend. See, those with children are never really asked to justify their choice, despite the fact that it involves at least one new human life, while the rest of us are continually prodded to provide some sort of explanation for a choice that impacts no one other than ourselves. Anyone can have a kid, pretty much without question or reason. Our (the childfree collective) reasons for not having children are as personal and varied as the reasons others do have children. For me, I think it comes down to simply not having that calling in my heart to procreate. Factors supporting this decision include: a basic uncertainty about my ability to raise a productive member of society (it is, after all, a whole human life for which you are assuming responsibility - the enormity of that has not escaped me), a fear of passing along familial dysfunction, geographical distance from any of my friends and family members who would likely provide a support network, a belief that maybe I can better serve the greater good by supporting the forgotten children already in this world who will otherwise never know a "home", a belief that I don't have to give birth to a child to have children in my life, a genuine concern about the world we are creating for future generations...the list goes on and on. My personal decision really is one that I reached after careful consideration, and I feel it's a very responsible choice. I am fortunate enough to have a beloved husband who not only accepts my choice, but who also seems to feel even more strongly about remaining childfree than I do!
It seems that many people who ask are further confused by the fact that I truly enjoy children. I believe strongly not everyone who can have children should. Heck, have you seen some of the parents out there?!?!?! Being good with kids for an hour...a day...a week... doesn't necessarily mean that I'd make a good parent. I happen to love spending time with other people's children, and I happen to love sending them home again. Generally speaking, as much as I enjoy the time I spend, it usually serves to reinforce my decision that I'm just not meant to be a mom. I love 'em, but they exhaust me! And I really do mean that in the best possible way. I applaud parents for taking on that responsibility, or at least those who take on the responsibility with dedication, involvement, and accountability. It's a tough job, and one that I do not envy.
Some would call me selfish. I take issue with that as I often find the reasons people do have children to be far more selfish than those I've listed above. I would argue that my reasons for not procreating are quite the opposite and in the best interest of any hypothetical child.
I still struggle with this decision, as much as I know it's the right decision for us. Sometimes I think life would be easier socially if we just had a kid. Honestly. It's like I'm contagious...friends seem to magically disappear when they find out I've made a conscious choice to not have children. I see the sometimes-not-so-fleeting looks of disapproval and judgment. Especially in our particular community/region. Most of the women I know are friends through church (to which we are almost never invited), MOPS, Mommy and Me, play groups, etc. The very terminology moms often use to describe their social gatherings is exclusive of the childfree: play dates. This would seem to indicate that anyone without a child to add to the group is not socially acceptable or valued.
There has been one notable exception that I feel I must mention. A few weeks ago I was invited to join a play group, obviously not as a mom, but as a woman who could desperately use some time away from my home (I work out of my home and, therefore, often feel trapped here) and an opportunity to bond with other women. The woman who made the offer is one of the kindest individuals I've met in a long time and her offer still brings tears to my eyes, even more touching is the fact that I barely know her and yet she saw in me something that most others overlook. I cannot find the word to express just how much it meant to me. Especially when most of my suggestions to get together for lunch or just to chat or offers to lend a hand in some way are ignored by my childed friends while I hear them talk of doing these very things together or for each other.
Finally, my decision is not a reflection of anyone's choice to have children. Don't take it so personally! It's not meant to be some societal statement...well, I guess maybe it is...but it's not meant to be a statement in opposition to another's views. YOU are not a factor here, most of the people in my everyday life today weren't even around when we arrived at this choice. It's an intimately personal decision that I choose to share when you boldly inquire about my reproductive status.
So, please don't ask me who will care for me when I'm older or why I would deny my mother a grandchild or who will carry on our families' traditions or to whom will I leave my treasured possessions. In the grand scheme of things, those strike me as very selfish and superficial reasons to bring another life in to this world. However, do ask me about my decision to remain childfree if you have a genuine interest...just be respectful and be willing to actually listen when I am willing to share such personal information with you, and maybe, just maybe, be ready to answer when I "turn the tables" and ask about how you arrived at your own decision.
Blog on, Purple WomenTM, blog on!
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